‘You look like you got fingered’

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Warning : This post contains some raunchy ‘inuendos’, so all faint hearts can proceed with caution! ๐Ÿ™‚

Here are some sketches I made about 4 years ago while I was working as a flight attendant for one of the middle-eastern airlines called Etihad Airways. I had plenty of fun moments and got familiar with all the flight attendant, and passenger jokes. The crew may seem unflattering in these sketches, but in real life, the girls and the boys are very pretty. At 4.30 am when one has seen the interior of the aircraft for the past 10 hours, and the only oxygen is the recycled air in the closed cabin, one’s mind can start playing tricks, and even the beautiful crew around can start looking like mutating monsters. Unfortunately, amongst the many rules that the crew had to remember, I remember this particular rule that really seemed to take the cake : ‘Crew are forbidden to sleep in the galleys, or even give the impression that they might be sleeping’.. So you cannot shut your eyes more than 3 seconds..

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Once I boarded the crew bus looking sad because I hadn’t managed to sleep the night before and I had a long and busy flight in front of me. A concerned crew member asked me if I was OK, and I told her my problem, to which she replied ‘Oh, you know what, even if I’ve slept well, I always feel fatigue and tired the moment I put on this uniform’. Even after 10 years, her remark stuck in my head and I always found it very funny and true. And the rare moments when a flight would be declared cancelled, strangely all that fatigue and tiredness would go out of the window and I’d be ready to hit the beach!

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Here’s a true story that occured in a flight to Tanzania ..

He : Scuze me, I want a Jewess

Me : Excuse me, umm… what kind of ..Jewess .. exactly?

He : Yes, I want a Jewess, an Orange Jewess

Me : Ahh…! Yes, I will get you your Jewess ( I go to the galley to bring him his orange juice)

Another joke that happened in front of me to a male crew. The flight was to Amman (Jordan), and it’s a night flight. A woman tries to get the attention of the male crew (and he’s just started flying) and whispers into his ear ‘I want a cock’.

He : (looking shocked) Excuse me??!

She : I want cock with ice

He : You mean coca cola?

She : Yes yes that cock!

I had a memorable Bombay flight. It was a full flight, with many uncontrollable children and demanding adults. We, the crew, were in the middle of the meal service and each crew member had to handle their own carts. I inched my way forward until my cart reached a livid passenger.

He: I’ve been fingering you for so long, where were you??’

Me: Excuse me?! I don’t understand..

He: Look look, like this I fingered you for so long!! ( and he demonstrates by pushing his finger against the crew call button several times and the whole cabin resonates with the ding-dong noise))

Me : Ah, you used the call bell service. I’m sorry, it’s a very busy flight. How may I help you?’

He : I can’t find my wife’s hole.

Me : (confused and starting to get mad) Excuse me?!

He : Look, I found my hole and I can hear my movie, but my wife can’t hear her’s!

Me : Ah, You’re trying to locate the slot to plug in your headset… Ok, let me help you.

I go back to the galley after the service, and another crew member, someone more familiar with the Bombay flights, looks at my stunned expression and says knowingly ‘You look like you got fingered’.

in flt

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45 Million Flowers, and then a Dirty Mind

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Yves and I had been to the Dubai Miracle Garden, which is home to over 45 million petunias, petunias and more petunias, on a land area of 72,000 sq m. After having read information on this garden prior to coming here, superlatives like “The world’s most beautiful and largest garden in the world”, I was surely expecting to see more than one variety of flower. If any other type of flower had been indeed used, then my untrained eye could not identify them, everything looked like petunias, not that I have anything against it, I grow them on my windows! The landscaping had been done cleverly to attract attention, with flower decked cars, hearts, stars, pyramids, igloos etc.

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After being done with the Miracle Garden (we covered the 72,000 sq m under an hour), Yves and I took the metro later in the evening. There was a big rush of passengers into the train and the train was already a bit crowded within. Yves and I pushed our way in, and there was a man standing near the entrance who clearly seemed to be making use of the opportunity to brush against many of the women passengers, including me. I made an immediate mental note of this man. Yves and I weren’t standing too far from this person and I looked to see what other mischief he was upto.

I noticed he was standing next to a girl, in fact close enough to her to be touching her and watching her with a fixed stare, while this girl was blithely chatting with her friend oblivious to the presence of this man so close to her. I was getting a bit angry seeing this pervert knowing that that girl could have been me! I told the story to Yves and he too noticed the man’s behaviour. I couldn’t really make a scene about this because I would have failed to make the girl understand what this man was doing. Instead I waited for him to look at me.

Soon enough, he relaxed his eyes and looking around saw me, and before he could get on his X-ray vision on me, I gave him my penetrating stare and shook my finger at him almost under his nose letting him know “I know what you’re upto and I won’t be standing that nonsense”. I could see he was visibly taken aback seeing me. I am pretty sure he may have tried many such acts before without having any women daring to do or say anything about it. He looked at me amazed, turned around, looked back at me still beetling my brows at him, turned around and saw Yves giving him the same treatment. By then, a few other passengers who were watching what was happening started staring at this man. This man took a step back from the girl he’d been almost squashing against, and kept looking at the ground. After a while, he walked away far to the back of the train.

I felt a little elated knowing that through his thick skin, he understood at least that his acts had been observed and not tolerated at all. Perhaps he would think about it and decide to be more careful in the future, and hopefully start respecting women some day! I also realise that in this country of the UAE, if a woman feels harassed, she will be heard if she raises her voice, and knowing this, offenders feel powerless when she speaks up. I’ve had another occasion in the past where I hit a man on his head with a book, in public, when I discovered something he had been doing very naughty. Women should dare to be more bold and speak out, the police are on the side of the women, that’s one of the better things of living in the United Arab Emirates.

Things I saw around Dubai – Carbage and a Foul Festival

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Inspite of Dubai surging ahead in ‘leaps and bounds’ with tall gleaming hotels and buildings, and opulence to be seen everywhere, there are certain things like the cryptic message in the photo above, that can make one smile and almost lend a human touch to the big commercial city of Dubai.

For those of you who haven’t got it, the message above is trying to convey ‘Please place your garbage inside this container’. ๐Ÿ™‚ Dubai is made up of roughly 80 percent of expatriates ofย  many different countries. Most of them do not have English as their first language, so it’s almost common to see bizarre messages that have you scratching your head in wonder! ๐Ÿ™‚ By the way, the ‘garbage’ is no spelling mistake!! I have actually heard several people pronouncing it ‘carbage’!

Many of the spelling mistakes especially found in restaurants can be quite atrociously funny! Examples : French fries – French fryce, tomato salad – tomotto sallad, chicken burger – chicken berger, Cordon blue – Gordon Blue, it’s such a long list! (And I swear I didn’t make it up!)

In fact, I almost wonder sometimes if killing the English language has become a fun hobby for them. If yes, they are doing a good job keeping their customers amused, as long as they don’t make any mistake in the food ordered!

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When I saw this flyer lying outside my door, at first glance I was wondering “What’s a Foul Festival? Is there any spelling mistake here? Could it possibly mean this is some stinky food??” And then upon asking some right people I found out that foul is a kind of Arabic bean!! Aahh!

Here’s another funny something I found inside of an Indian menu :

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There’s no spelling mistake here (well, biryani is spelt a bit funny), but check out the message at the top, underneath ‘Andhra Meals’ – Not to be shared! I cracked up seeing that! ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess the manager got tired of seeing one guy ordering a big meal and then sharing it with his family! Just to enlighten you, an Indian Meal is something that is actually quite a filling dish with numerous bits of vegetables and different lentils and drinks and sweets, and an unlimited amount of rice and chapatti, an Indian bread. Here’s a picture of a meal. The plate comes along with a fitted banana leaf on which you eat your food, preferably with fingers:

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What I saw around Dubai – Stray kitties saying ‘Hello! I’m hungry!’

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I love cats! But, when I observe the fast-growing numbers of stray cats around the United Arab Emirates, I feel a bit alarmed because I doubt even the organisations that rescue strays can cope with the sheer numbers of cats!

Today, it was announced, by Dubai Municipality, that a 200 Dirham (or 54USD) will be fined on the person caught feeding a stray cat. Many residents protested against this, citing animal cruelty and requesting instead for neutering of the cats, which is of course a more humane thing to do.

Poor kitties! As much as I love them, I know actions will need to be taken soon about the problem, as they continually scavenge the bins, and are probably with diseases! I am afraid sometimes to even touch them just being aware of this!

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